Reach out and hold my hand already

I feel that touch is a fundamental need of most humans. To touch and be touched is divine.  I don't mean this is anyway other than the day to day interactions you have with people. The rest of the touch you may encounter you can leave to another site to describe. But I am talking about the good ol, handshake, pat on the back, holding an arm while you talk.  My mother will be the first to tell you that I want, I NEED a pat on the back and to hear that I did a good job.  A gReAT job.

I fact, when I was living in the desert by myself, studying rattlesnakes and lizards I went a little nutso. There was another scientist there, but for fear of anyone claiming anything inappropriate happening, he didn't even shake my hand. And then he had the nerve to leave for a week.  I was on my own. In the desert.  Alone.  At this point, it had been about 6 weeks since I had touched anything warmblooded and a week since I had talked to anyone.  It is a fun story to hear in person, but to save you the hysterics (snakes, bugs, floods, flat tires, near miss of a cow...)

I will tell you the short version.  I went to church.  I needed so see people.  I wanted to hold someone's hand.  But as a good looking blonde alone in the deserts of Mexico, I needed to be safe.  Church.  I KNEW I would have at least the kiss of peace and maybe even some hand holding during the Our Father.  I was pretty well covered.  And then, the funniest conversation on earth happened.  There were two old guys  behind me.  One black, one white. It was hot in the city, much hotter than the desert. Like 115 kind of heat.

The white guy says to the black guy (in Spanish):"Pretty hot, eh?"
Guy 2: "very hot."
Guy 1: "I've always wanted to ask you, do you get hotter than I do because you are
black?"
Guy 2: "I'm not sure, how hot are you?"
Guy 1: "pretty damn hot."
Guy 2: "me too."

End of conversation.  Somehow settled.  Everyone is hot in 115 degrees.  But I digress.
The good news here? They both kissed my cheeks.  They touched me.  It was great.
It was needed.  I was starving.  Who knew.

How the heck does this relate to parenting? Everything. I'm a toucher.  I hug, kiss, squeeze, sit on the floor, wrestle, pat on the back, hold the hand of the person talking to me.  The girls have all interpreted it in different ways.

One thing that is common is for them all to ask for a "momma imagination story." I thought they were interesting in how I go about telling a story. (I have secret dreams of storytelling these days) I thought they liked that in momma stories, nothing is right or wrong.  Nothing is impossible.  You can be who you want to be and do what you want to do.  Apparently I was overestimating my storytelling skills. You see, these imagination stories were accompanied by me drawing the stories out on their backs with my imagination crayon.

I don't have a strong memory from childhood, but one memory I do remember was me and my big sister, drawing out pictures on each others backs at night time and trying to guess what the illustrator was drawing.  It is a great memory.  Us, just drawing, relaxing, sleeping....  This is what I was sharing with the girls.

Turns out, it is more than just an imagination crayon. They can't tell what I am drawing.  Complex stories of elves, deer, snowman, rainbows, fireworks, basically whatever moves me. I tested recently, and they didn't even know when I drew the first letter of their names on their back.  They are in it for the touch.  They are in it for the skin to skin contact of someone telling a story, focusing just on them.  What's more? It turns out to
be best practice for my two kids with sensory needs.  B likes the fireworks. The rain. The erasing to draw a whole new picture.  A likes the fine details. The sprinkles on the cupcakes, the chains of the swing set, the butterfly that slowly flits across the scene.

As I told a story to de-escalate a meltdown, I realized I was brushing. Not really. Not professionally, but in essence I was using touch and repetitive motion to channel my positive feelings. I was overriding the current programming.  I really feel, I take all of my positive thoughts and send them as energy into my story.  I share my energy with each girl, in turn, through this simple act of drawing pictures on their back.

They love it. We have different names: Imagination crayon, soft tickles, momma tickles, back pictures.  Whatever. The other day, I had a line at pizza Friday. Kids lined up to hear a crazy story and to be touched.

This isn't to downplay the story part of the event.  The girls know the water cycle, seed germination, which animal eats which, not to mention crazy stories about elves, hiking, farm animals and what they eat, rainbows, whatever comes to mind.  The touch keeps them connect to the story in a way that their attention span would never typically allow.

Just last week B said: I wish I could make it snow ice cream.  Just once. My response: "wouldn't that be fun?!? How could we do it?" What followed was a long exchange, starting with we would have to get the rain to be ice cream, then get it cold.  Have no fear, she marched through the process to decide that it would be best to start with liquid ice cream in the lake. Sunshine. Evaporation. Heavy clouds. Cold. ICE CREAM SNOW!!

In this example, I am super proud we have a valid chain of events. Using processes that a 5yo kind of understands. We have a scientific cycle with one small change. Sub liquid ice cream for water and voila. Ice cream snow.  This leap in reality doesn't work for everyone. Someone in the household couldn't sit still.  He had to point out the technicalities of why it wouldn't work. Sure, the water would evaporate, but the fat, sugar, sprinkles would all stay in the lake. Always good for someone to keep our feet on the ground, I guess.

Our girls all enjoy touch in a different way.  Here are examples.

B: preferred to sit in a chair to soothe as a baby.  Tells me now that touch is too inconsistent.  However, she comes to tell me when, where and how she wants me to hug, tickle, and draw.  On her schedule, when it is time, she wants touch and lots of it.  Especially deep pressure.

A: can never get enough touch. She is a huger, snuggler, kisser, and loves tickles.  She can be found sneaking up to my bed after she thinks papa has gone to bed, just to feel the "warmth of mama." She will snuggle under your arm while you are sitting around.  Recently, she has been drawing hearts on our body, and sending "love energy" in through the heart so we can carry it around with us all day.

R: will tell you the where, when, how and how frequently you will tickle or hug her. She has been known to approach, full belly showing to request the contact she needs. She will not miss out on any opportunity to hug another person.  She hugs fiercely and completely.  Nothing better than a hug from our little R.  Just recently, she was quoted saying that she didn't think she had space in her body to fill up on the number of Julia hugs she would need to bring back from France.

And J: The little lady would still like to be nursing. She even poured a glass of milk down Nana's chest - just to try to find someone that still had some milk to give.  I asked her for months if she was done and she always said no. When we sees me, instantly trying to reach, to touch.  She likes to be held, and held tightly. I always joke that she needs to get some time that is all her own.  Sadly, I might not be so far from the truth. But she is pretty rough and tumble, and has to be, given her sisters.  Whenever possible, she strips down for maximum skin to skin snuggling.


Anyway, I'm way off topic here. I think touch and connection are so important. I am often found holding hands with someone who is telling me a story.  Touching someones back as I walk by.  Letting you know that you- yes you- in a real, physical way have my attention.

Our "let's talk this out why the heck did you bite your sister" pose?  Knee to knee.  We don't have to look eye to eye, but we do need to touch, we do need to be facing each other so that the other person knows that we are focusing our body, our energy to them to find a joint solution.

On a side note, we did contribute to a kickstarter that [in our interpretation] was focused around this idea.  Check it out.