brilliance and spoiling is a fine line

So, here is how a typical interaction with me and the kids goes:  I try to hear them, let them know that they are heard and use the information to make a good decision.  This doesn't always happen, but I want them to know that they can and should use their words, and that they will be listened to.  I even as R at 10 months if she would like carrots or apples for breakfast.  Whichever way she points, we go with it. 

Sounds great right?  Kind of.  Ever heard the school of thought that a kid just needs to hear "NO" for the sake of hearing "NO?" That thought is alive and well in our circle of support.  And I am with it.  I say NO when it is dangerous.  Or NO when it is unfeasible.  Or NO when it is expensive or I don't feel like it.  I say NO. NO. NO. 

The problem is, I don't say no when there is little reason for it.   And, I teach them how to make well reasoned arguments.  This could be a problem with they are 16, but for now, I think/hope that it is empowering.    The brids chirping in my ear tell me otherwise.  So, you be the judge.

Wednesday night: Swimming night.  I am home alone and have three girls that need to be fed, changed into their swim suits, bags packed and back down the steps and out to the car, all three in seat belts.  Oh, and I have an hour.   An hour you say?  Easy peasy.  Right.  Come try it. 

Anyway.  Ms. B wanted to be Ariel.  She had a plan.  She found something that she was going to use as the "rock" and something for King Triton's staff.  She had a plan and she informed me that she wanted me to get her costume trunk out so she could dress up and play imagination.  (What a horrible thing to have to say no to.... it hurts!) 

Anyway.  I pulled her aside and said "B.  Listen.  I hear that you want to play dress up and imagine.  I would love to be the sea witch.  It sounds like fun.  Can you help me with a problem I have?"

B: "of course.  I love to help."
Me: "Ok, You want to play imagination and dress up.   I need you to eat dinner and get ready for swimming.  What should we do."
B: "I know. You can get my costume.  I will put it on.  I will imagine to be ariel and you can be Ursula." 
Me: "Ok, Dress up, Imagination.  Check.  I see your points taken care of, what about mine?"
B: "Hmm... Well, hmmm... Mermaids need to be strong to swim.  So I will eat first.  And then you can put my suit on with my costume on.  And then I will play while you get the suits on."
Me: "Ok.  Sounds good..."
B: "and mermaids need to swim well, so we will go practice my swimming.  And then after we are done swimming, I will bring a human costume to change into.  You can be the sea witch and change me into a human for the ride home."  and then in her mother imitating voice while nodding she says "does that sound like a plan?"
Me: "Yes, that sounds like an amazing plan.  Nice compromise, nice problem solving."

So... did I give away all the power to my 3 year old?  Will she never be able to hear the word NO?   I am not sure.  I hope she hears No and thinks "I know, I have a plan." But... that sounds like a troublesome teen if I ever heard one.  I am not saying she can get her way, I am saying she has to think of all involved.   I think...?

This happened another time that I can remember specifically.  She wanted to eat lunch under the table.  She had her sandwich there first.  That was OK.  But the next course was yogurt.  I explained that I didn't want her to eat yogurt under the table because I didn't want it on the carpet.  She said: "I know.  I will get a place mat, then the carpet will stay clean."   What do you say?

That is a damn reasonable plan.  And that was from a 2.5 year old.  Why not reward her for thinking of a great solution?  Why not tell her that her thoughts are valid?   I know she can be a bit dramatic, but that isn't going to go away with force in parenting right? 

Ok, you can clearly see my opinion, but I am curious.  Will me teaching her to compromise and think her way out of a corner make her never understand being told no?  The world has plenty of times when it will tell her no and she can't reason her way out of it.  Should I be preparing her for that now?   What to do??